Do the Seven Stages of Grief Really Exist?
Grief is one of the most universal yet deeply personal human experiences. It can be raw, unpredictable, and profoundly life-altering – affecting not just our emotions, but our thoughts, bodies and behaviours.
For decades, the “seven stages of grief” have been used as a framework to help people make sense of this complex process.
But how accurate is it? Do we really experience grief in neatly defined stages, or is the truth far more fluid?
The Origins of the Seven Stages of Grief
The idea of “stages” in grief first emerged from the work of psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who in her 1969 book On Death and Dying outlined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
It’s important to note that Kübler-Ross developed this model based on her work with terminally ill patients coming to terms with their own mortality not those grieving a loss.
Over time, her framework was widely adopted (and adapted) to describe how people experience bereavement and other major life changes.
Later, others expanded the model to include seven stages — often listed as:
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Shock
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Denial
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Anger
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Bargaining
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Depression
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Testing
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Acceptance
These stages were never intended to be prescriptive, yet they’ve become deeply embedded in how many of us talk about grief.
Why the Model Endures
There’s comfort in structure. In the chaos of loss, the idea of a recognisable path, even a painful one, can help people feel less lost. The stages provide language to describe overwhelming emotions and a sense of reassurance that what you’re feeling is, in some way, “normal”.
The model also encourages emotional validation.
It recognises that grief isn’t just sadness – it’s anger, confusion, guilt, numbness, and sometimes even relief.
These feelings can coexist and shift rapidly, which the stages help to acknowledge.
The Reality: Grief Isn’t Linear
However, modern research and psychological understanding tell us that grief doesn’t follow a predictable pattern. People don’t move smoothly from denial to acceptance, ticking off emotional boxes along the way.
Instead, grief is cyclical and unique. You might experience anger one day, calm the next, then suddenly be hit with deep sadness weeks or months later. Some people skip certain “stages” entirely, while others circle back through them repeatedly.
Grief also depends on factors such as the nature of the loss, personal resilience, support systems, cultural background, and previous experiences of loss. In short, there’s no one-size-fits-all journey.
Modern Perspectives on Grieving
Contemporary grief theory has shifted away from rigid stages and towards adaptive models that focus on how people cope and find meaning over time.
One of the most influential is the Dual Process Model, developed by psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. It suggests that healthy grieving involves oscillating between two types of coping:
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Loss-oriented coping, where you confront and process emotions related to the loss.
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Restoration-oriented coping, where you focus on rebuilding life and adjusting to new routines.
This model reflects how people naturally move back and forth between pain and healing, rather than progressing along a straight emotional timeline.
Another contemporary view, meaning reconstruction, emphasises how people reinterpret their lives and identities after loss — seeking understanding, connection, or purpose as they heal.
So, Do the Seven Stages Exist?
In a sense, yes, but not as fixed steps that everyone must go through. The seven stages of grief can serve as a helpful guide or vocabulary to describe common emotions that may arise during bereavement.
However, they shouldn’t be seen as a rulebook or measure of progress.
Grief is not something to be completed or “overcome”. It’s a lifelong process of adaptation.
The intensity may soften, but the loss becomes part of who you are — woven into your memories, relationships, and worldview.
Embracing a More Compassionate Understanding of Grief
Rather than trying to fit grief into stages, it’s more helpful to view it as a wave-like experience, one that ebbs and flows with time. Some days may feel calm; others may bring a resurgence of pain. Both are normal.
Allowing yourself to grieve without expectation or pressure to “move on” is key. Grief doesn’t follow logic; it follows love.
So, while the seven stages of grief might not exist in a scientific sense, their enduring popularity reveals something powerful: our need to make sense of loss and to believe, even amidst pain, that healing is possible.